Fought to Be Me

So many times people have tried to kill my dream..tell me that I wouldn't amount to be anything because I had 2 kids before I reached the age of 20. They tried to tell me that all I would ever amount to is living with my mom for the rest of my life and supporting my kids from a minimum wage job. For a while I must say that I believed them. My spirit was broken. I had so many people take from me and use me that I didn't even know who i was anymore. I got so low that I tried to take my life not once but twice. I was letting people tell me what I was going to become instead of showing them who I could become. I had to learn to build my self confidence back up. i knew I was always pretty but I had to start to believe that I was beautiful. Inside and out. I had to believe that I was going to be more than just another statistic. more than just a teen mom. More than just another young black girl who lost her way. I had to prove that I could make it by just being who i truly was. Me. so after some soul searching and a lot of thought processing I became a stronger woman for myself. For my kids. I used my gift of writing to let my stories pour out there and reach those who needed to be reached. I let my personality shine through and met some awesome people along this journey. After years of being abused, unloved, and confused I can honestly say now at the age of 22 I'm truly someone I'm proud of. The journey wasn't easy but I'm finally me. and people either love me or hate me but no one is going to ever break me.

Enhancement

I was told that when I stopped looking that he would come to me. My man in blue  jeans and a white tee. And that was true. As I took time to learn myself and what I wasn't going to take anymore I met a person with a beautiful heart. We started off as friends joking and laughing. He fell for me before I fell for him. It was something that originally scared me but as time went on he started to really grow on me also. We talk about any and everything and when I see him all I can do is smile. He puts a light in my life that has been missing for a long time. I wouldn't say that he completes me because I was living a complete life before I ever met him. I would say that he enhances my life a little bit more just because I get to spend it with him. I wanted someone who was able to understand me, respect me, had something going on with their life, healthy, fun, and a great personality. He's all of those things and more. I went through a couple of frogs before I found my man in the white tee. When I stopped wanting someone to save me and was just patient and not rushing it it came simple. I didn't want to rush into anything that wasn't right and I didn't. Patience is the key to all things that are great. So don't rush your heart. Because you could end up with someone you definitely weren't looking for. The right one comes with time and patience. You can't be with someone until you learn how to be by yourself.

She asked...

She asked my honest opinion about him. Why weren't we together? Am I the reason that my daughter doesn't come from a two parent household? I looked at her and told her straight up. No, I'm not the reason that we are not a family for our child. We are not a family for our daughter because he felt that it was okay to hit me whenever I made him mad. He thought that it was fine to almost take my life in front of her by choking me until I nearly blacked out. I honestly don't think he will ever change. You can't change without help nor if you don't want to. I honestly loved him. There was a time that I would bend over backwards to do anything to make him happy. He has all the charm in the world but he has a dark side that's NEVER going to go away. I told her that he's the man your choosing to stay with even after he told you everything he did to me and your choosing to have a child with him also. Kids change relationships drastically especially if you're not ready. Our daughter loves him but when she's over there she barely sees him because his focus is elsewhere/  I told her that he's not going to treat her any different then he's treated me because he doesn't respect women. He was spoiled all his life so he doesn't respond well to not getting what he wants. He emotionally abused me for months and for a while I took it until I found my voice. I told her to leave before it gets to a point where she will be abused to. She said that I must be provoked him because he's never been that rude to her and that I probably deserved what I got because all I had to do was give him what he wanted. I smiled at her and said good luck because everything is not always as it seems. Trust me. You can't please someone who's not emotionally stable and is not mature to handle being in a relationship. She decided to stay anyway. 

 

Love

In my 22 years I've loved hard. I've loved half hearted. I've broken hearts and fell in love. But after all of that i have yet to find the right one for me. The one who understands me. Knows that even if I'm busy that I'm still thinking about them. That can make me laugh and at the same time be a shoulder to lean on with I need them to be. Not someone who's clingy. Or just don't know what they want out of life. I've lived long enough to know that not everyone is perfect. And I'm not looking for that. I want my match made in my world. I want my guy in blue jeans and a white tee not in shining armor. I used to think that maybe I was meant to be alone because of all the wrongs I've done in my life. But now I know that I was alone to find someone at the right time in my life. find them when I was in a place to be able to handle it with maturity and not have to worry about cheating or dishonesty. I know who I am now is far from who I was in the past. Now I'm waiting for love to sneak back on me. Sometimes I can look right in front of me and think I may have found the one. But am too scared to ever admit it to him or to my heart. I don't want to just be giving myself away to someone and not have it go anywhere. Because i know I'm more than what's between my legs. I hope one day I find what I seek because those days of settling for second best. Is way beneath me.

Disappointed Eyes

Time and time again I've heard him make empty promises. I stopped believing him a long time ago until it started to affect our daughter. I'm coming to see her? Oh I couldn't something came up. I'm coming tomorrow. I'm going to get her this weekend. Building up her hopes and then crushing them all over again. She falls for it every time because like most kids their daddy's can't do any wrong. She forgives him and the same thing happens EVERY TIME. Then one day my 5 year old daughter came to me and looked my dead in my eyes and asked me this question. Mommy...why doesn't daddy love me? It completely threw me off guard. I wasn't expecting that at all. I asked her what made her think that her daddy doesn't love her (I knew but I wanted to hear what she had to say). She said because he NEVER keeps his promises and that her younger sister ALWAYS sees her daddy but she NEVER gets to see hers so that must be mean that he doesn't love her or care about her. She thought that she was doing was something wrong. When that was far from the case. She was sad and all i could tell her was her daddy had a lot of growing up to do. That he wasn't around because he was more focused on other things. She asked what could be more important then her when he rarely saw her. And I said nothing is more important than you...but your dad is weird. I couldn't say what I wanted to say to her (That her dad was a jerk and wasn't worthy of her in the first place) But I wasn't going to be one of those mothers who put their kids against their father. No matter how mad they made me. So after that conversation I told him that if he wasn't going to be around then to STOP making false promises to her. She's old enough to know that you don't mean what you say and your hurting her. That he missed half of her life for stupid choices that he made not her and it was starting to hurt her...It's not like we weren't getting along. We have NEVER had any problems except that he is a bad father so he couldn't use that excuse for not being around. I told him that until he was MAN enough to be her daddy and not just her donar then he could just leave her and I alone. My daughter heard the end of the conversation and thought that I was pushing her daddy away but I had to explain to her that I was trying to protect her. she said that her dad was her hero and she loved him (I was thinking please get another hero because he's not hero material). I said instead that her dad would be around when he got his self together. She took it ell and now she doesn't ask about him much. She understands that even though he's not around (mainly because he's in jail now) that one day he will be. (Hopefully for her sake.) *Not every man is a good man. And not every man is meant to be a father/daddy. It takes someone who is worthy to complete the task. Because soon enough your kids start catching onto what your doing. You start seeing the hurt and disappointment in their eyes..and then you start hearing it in their voice. If you can walk around with new shoes and a car you should find the time to see your kids and take care of them as well. Their moms didn't make them on their own. GROW UP. *